21

Now that I have turned the ripe age of 21 there are certain entitlements that come with this age. Such as the ability to “legally” drink, go to any of the local strip clubs (You can usually tell how old the stripper is by the number of cigarette burns she has accumulated, think of it as being able to determine a trees age by the rings around the bark), the glitz and glam of the high roller casino life, and of course the right to bare awesomeness.


Turning 21 was never truly about ruining my liver to me or listening to strippers sob stories while counting their C section scars in the distance, and being reminded by the bouncers at the clubs to not throw nickels at the strippers. The holy grail of becoming 21 was stepping foot in the casino and embracing the atmosphere. Yes all the chain smoking senior citizens, the querulous pit bosses, and the people working at the casinos front entrance responsible for identifying age to allow access into the casino, who often say to me “What are you…. Like 15?” Just thinking about all these elements begins to turn me on. Then to retract these emotions I envoke, I think about a three some with Steffi Graf and Heidi Fleiss and am brought back to a harsh reality.


I usually waltz into the casino with a three piece suit with a matching fedora and a complementary monocle, I usually make my way over to the high rollers black jack table to which I scoff in disgust at there $25 dollar minimum bets, then I prance over to the $5 dollar black jack tables. Here I have been known to make small chat with the dealer and say “How has your day been?” and “If you take any more of my money I will hunt you and your family down like cattle” fairly standard at most tables for me. I generally leave the casino with residiual secondhand smoke trapped in my lungs, a lighter wallet, and a smile on my face. Yes I am Charlie and the casino is my Chocolate factory, I am Kevin Arnold and the casino is my Winnie Cooper, I am Bill Cosby and the casino is my chocolate pudding. There are only so many analogies to denote how beholden I am to the almighty casino.