Motivate Me Why Don’t You

Lately everyone is getting into blogging or back into the blogging game as seen by scrolling down my Facebook newsfeed. This has motivated me to take time out from my hectic schedule (working 2 days a week, donating plasma 2 days, and sometimes deciding to go to class) to post on a more habitual basis. There are definitely some things I would like to discuss that are current events (in my life or globally going on depending on the post)

  Just to paint you a picture to begin with of the current atmosphere I’m typing this blog entry in I’m in a dim room that needs to be cleaned, my white board with my daily goals is leering at me begging for attention but I am neglecting it like I’m a unfit parent addicted to heroin and I’m listening to Pandora on my Kindle Fire (aka The Poor Mans Ipad) listening to Blink 182’s live rendition of Miss You and being comforted by the nasally live voice of Tom Delonge. Hopefully that can be illustrated in your minds, time for me to put down my brush and get into some things that have been on my mind.

School and Social Relationships

I’m getting ready to graduate and let me just say this these past years have been a hang on to the edge of your seat, out of control roller coaster ride of mediocrity and under achievement, but lets not talk about my luck with females on this campus and more about my education. I honestly have enjoyed the schooling and being a criminology major here at the University of Northern Iowa I have really loved my professors and the education I have inherited here. Im planning on going into probations or working with juveniles delinquents in some capacity, but if that doesn't work out Im going pursue a career as a Neurosurgeon or a rodeo clown... or maybe both.

I have developed a lot of friendships that could last… well one night in college… Yes one night stand friendships! I have met a lot of really awesome people at UNI and forged a lot of good friendships over the years, but there are also a lot of times I met someone just one or two times at a social gathering and thought the person was really either personable, witty, affable, funny, and *insert superlative describing a likeable attribute* and would be a nice addition to my social group. Especially, because my group of friends resemble the cast of The Breakfast Club (A real cast of characters to say the least, read the blog post Baker and friends for more information) and I am always looking for new people to have social interactions with that play a different niche in my life and have different views and a different lifestyle than my own. My goal would be to hangout with these people that are fairly foreign to me and get to know them much better. I realize this goal is about as real as Manti Te’os’ girlfriend. I mean honestly how am I about to have one night of friendship and not expect you to get a hold of me the next day, I’m expecting some commitment here folks.

Open Door Policy

I have been called out for this recently, having an open door policy. An open door policy as in opening the door for lots of people wherever I go, and sometimes waiting a bit longer than average to keep a door open, I don’t know if there is a universal rule of thumb for how many seconds/steps someone is behind you to leave the door open before you look ridiculous, but I try to wait longer than most regardless. Let the record also show that I don’t just open the door for attractive girls (except for maybe my bedroom door) no I open it for everyone, I am an equal opportunity door opener regardless of your race, religion, gender, and any other factors. All I ask in return to reciprocate this gesture with a “Thanks”, but a small amount don‘t… These people make me want to exchange my P’s and Q’s for F’s and U’s. Everyone should open the door for people even if you have to wait a bit, it’s a nice simple sign that you acknowledge someone.

  Facebook Gun Control Battles

I can’t get on Facebook anymore without walking into the line of fire of a gun control debate on Facebook. (pun definitely intended) What happened to the good ole days when I could get on Facebook and read about who is going to the gym, a girl complaining about how there are no good guys out there, bible verses, sports posts, musical lyrics that describe how some ones feeling for the day, the “I want to cuddle post“ and of course the negative posts… Yeah all that stuff that can be repetitively boring, I would love for it to supplant the gun control debates. I’m starting to wish the right to bare the same repetitive opinions over and over again that is disseminated to a large group of people was revoked. No one is going to change anyone’s opinion on the topic, people are to set in their ways and participate in selective exposure. People also have way to much keyboard confidence, the ability to confidently promulgate their views when they have a keyboard in front of them but not in person. Not me though, I would say what I think right to your face, as long as your face is turned around and your within a distance that what I say is completely inaudible.

College Debt

How are college kids, especially those from much more destitute families supposed to live and or prosper? Each week for me I know has been like an episode of Survivor, but replace cameramen with professors rockin tweed attire, replace tiki torches with torturing textbooks, and replace the contestants with Asian that spend a little too much time in the library getting ready to take my place on the competitive job market. To make it in college I have donated plasma, sperm (god only knows how many illegitimate children I have writing blogs out there), my kidneys (to which I replaced with two cans of kidney beans) and my Heart, hey if the Tin Man and Dick Cheney can live without one why can’t I? Not having a heart comes in handy around Christmas time when those pesky Salvation Army volunteers are ringing their bells wanting to get their greedy palms on your money, and I stroll past them without contributing a dime and they say things like “Don’t you have a heart” I just respond “I wish I could say I did” and just chuckle. I can’t even use the expression “I’d give my left nut for that” because I sold that on a Craigslist to a squirrely lookin fellow. Thank God my mother saved that “Don’t sell your body” talk for my sister.

The parsimonious lengths I go to just to reside in squalor, every once in a while I will take the intrepid step of begrudgingly viewing my student loans and looking to see what limbs and organs I have left to spare. Will my legs be next on the chopping block? I mean Professor Xavier ran a whole mutant academy without the usage of his, FDR ran the nation without the use of his, I mean I could pretty much run anything… except races. I could always just sell one leg and pursue my lifelong dream to sail the high seas (Google search the expression “ARGHHH” for more information. I’m sure I would plunder more booty that way, well more than I have in college anyways. I am left with these ethical decisions when it comes to footing the bill, my life is comparable to the antithesis version of hangman, where instead of adding parts of the body, parts of the body get erased.

My college experience is a lot like hunger games 2.0 except with a far less attractive cast, hoarding balloons of food between my butt cheeks like a prison drug mule. Well maybe not that far… To remind myself to stop spending money I have crossed out the “i” on my debit card with sharpie. The amount of money I am spending is so miniscule that before everyone left on campus for Winter break they were wishing me a “Happy Hanukkah”, these are the challenges I must endure while in college. I would go out on a limb but I’m afraid I don’t have many left, but if I did… I would say college is going to cost me more than an arm and a leg… literally.

People Chasin Paper

Dead presidents, a U.S. treasurer and an obese inventor are defining what are livelihood is, they dictate how marriages pan out, how long we work and where we work, where we reside, who lives and who dies, and our overall quality of life. These individuals are not specters that are tangibly haunting us but the paper they are printed on is very tangible and a perpetual reminder of whom we are beholden to. These figures sit faces are prominently displayed near the center appearing stoic, printed on cotton fiber paper measuring approximately 6-1/8" by 2-5/8" and weighing 1 gram. We are enslaved to these sheets of paper and the historical figures that preside on them. Let’s get introduced to these figures… We have George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Alexander Hamilton, Andrew Jackson, Ulysses S. Grant, and Benjamin Franklin. The most ironic of these is Abraham Lincoln the man that was the intrepid crusader to abolish slavery and now we are economically enslaved to his printed presence.

Alone these rectangles of paper provide no necessity, they are not food, we do not drink them when parched, we do not wear them as attire, and we do not use them physically as the framework for where we live. It is the FAITH we have in them that we have invested within them that we can exchange them for these items and other extraneous materials that bring joy to our lives. Without this faith these rectangles of paper are seemingly just that… pieces of paper. There is another faith that is embroidered onto the fabric of these pieces of paper and that is a sponsorship of God. With phrases such as “In God We Trust” and “Annuit Coeptis” meaning “God has favored our undertaking” attempting to make this connection is a subliminal way of broadcasting to patrons if we make a plethora of money we have stronger ties to god and more trust within him. It’s a demented way of invoking the name of God as leverage to enable an even more capitalistic system. I associate myself more with the secular world more so than I do the sacred world to which I feel far displaced from, but if I were to extrapolate I would say that God has not favored those who have invested a strong investment in these rectangles of faith.

These rectangles of faith are a way of keeping tally in life and for many a barometer of success. Those who have garnered many of these historical figures on these sheets of paper live in the lap of luxury and may even be listed in a magazine entitled Forbes as a way of keeping track and extolling their capitalistic efforts. For those that have procured few of these gentlemen they may appear slovenly without a place to reside and the only thought that reverberates through their head is “where is my next meal going to come from”. Money is obviously important but it shouldn’t be venerated the way it is today by the masses and define who we are as human beings. We must break the shackles on our incessant ties to money and not let it dictate our every life decision; we must be perspicacious and look beyond that to understand what’s truly wonderful in life.

Police Shenanigans

Recently I was victimized by a blow to the side of the head to which I did not retaliate but instead left this issue in the hands of the people that are paid and trained to serve and protect the community. Being a criminology major I have the utmost faith in the system and thought I had more than a good enough case established formulated from witnesses and the transparent swelling from the side of my head. Boy was I wrong!

I called the dispatcher notifying them of what happened and that there had been drinking involved by both me and the perpetrator. (Although witnesses will attest to the fact the assailant having about 2 beers over the span of 3 hours hardly impairing any judgment, the factors that led to me being punched were premeditated and the fact that I was in a position of weaknesses when I was in fact struck) But I digress… I alerted this fact to the dispatcher that there was alcohol involved and asked “If the cops were going to chalk it up to an alcohol induced matter and not take the claims seriously” and whether or not I was wasting my time. She had assurance in her voice telling me “Not at all” in a very laconic nonsensical tone. At this point in the night my confidence is exceeding high now offered further reassurance by the dispatcher.

Within 15 minutes the police arrive which in my opinion is a very good response rate for a non-emergency call to which I do give them credit. Two officers arrive and knock on the door and I open the door up and proceed outside, immediately I recognize one officer from a ruckus party one of my roommates decided to throw for a 21st birthday party on a Thursday night. I will identify these officers by officer 1 and officer 2. To illustrate what these officers looked like, they appeared to be descendents of hoggish greedily’s family (Google search Captain Planet for more information) The reason I offer this imagery is not to perpetuate a metaphor of cops being pigs in fact I think they play a vital role in the community, but because I am a modern day Rembrandt with words and analogies as my paint brushes.
Officer 1 asks “So what’s the deal?” I immediately don’t like the format that the question is posed, I lay out the situation that I was punched while I was texting in the side of the face and the assailant ran away, I also let them know that alcohol was consumed to a certain extent.

Officer 2 “This is the 2nd time I have been called out here, maybe you should just stop having people over” At this point red flags are shooting up, these officers do not want to be here and officer number 2 already has pre-condition against the residence of my apartment, victim or not. Secondly if he is called a million times over to this residence he shouldn’t complain this is his job to serve and protect along with this do not tell me not to invite patrons over to the residence that I pay rent on. I begin to notice arms folded by officer 2 and officer 1 begins to slouch this body language indicates that they want nothing to do with being here and my claim has lost credibility.

Officer 1 “Well do you even know who it is who punched you” Again oozing unprofessionalism, this question should be asked “Do you know who the person was who punched you” The well do you adds a tone in which the officer again implies he could be doing bigger and better things like busting ruckus parties and making OWI arrests the Cedar Falls polices forte these of course both being victimless crimes. I would figure when it comes to a crime that a victim has actually notified them and has witnesses they would want to take action. I alert the officers to the fact that it is indeed someone I know.

Officer 2 “What did you say to him that provoked him to do this” I chuckle inside a little, let’s say hypothetically speaking I did say something, regardless of this fact he has no right to strike me. Officer 2 seemingly has complete disregard for my rights afforded to me by the constitution, because he has already labeled me the “party guy” from the “party house” in his head. I report to the cops that I did nothing that I was aware of and that anyone else was aware of. The cops seem unimpressed by this answer and believe I am lying. When in fact I text the assailant the next day and ask “Why did you punch me” he texts back “because I can” and bases his motivation off an encounter that happened long ago about me adding a girl he knew on Facebook, not even one he had a close relationship with. (Take a second to laugh your ass off at this for the basis of punching someone, read Mike Wood’s blog for more information on this ludicrous behavior) So indeed I was telling the truth and this crime was a premeditated attack.

Officer 1 *yawns*

Officer 2 Is glancing around looking at the street. At this point I’m expecting Ashton Kutcher to come out and tell me I’m being punked.
Officer 1 Is glancing around like a bird watcher at what’s occurring across the street while I talk, they both lock in on a car parking across the street. Let me tell you this there is absolutely nothing suspicious about this car either and the patron inside it, but yet a possible victimless crime gives them an erection you can tell they are turned on to this car.

Officer 1 *perks up as if to have digested a 5 hour energy* Do you know who that is? (referring to the person in the car parking) Officer 2 *eyes deadlocked* “No I don’t” I respond, I begin to wonder if these two are really cops or if they are actors doing method acting for a role for the installment of Super Trooper 2 or another Police Academy sequel or maybe they just got there police science degrees online. By this time they can tell I’m more pissed than a Mormon at a strip club.

Officer 1 “Well I have been punched before” followed by a shoulder shrug. My eyes widen I am enraged to the nth degree. The law is not based on what this officer has and has not experienced. Would he say this to a female or an older member in society who is male especially one that has clout in the community, I can ensure you he wouldn’t. What if this officer had been sexually molested and I was calling to report sexual abuse, would he give me the good ole shoulder shrug and say “Oh well shit I have been sexually molested, it’s just something that happens to everyone”.
This is absolutely awful logic plain and simple.

There is an elongated pause, At this point I want to take Justice to an optometrist and see if there are corrective lens and or laser eye surgery it can endure because I have come to the conclusion that Justice truly is blind.

Officer 1 *arms flailing out to the side like a teenager that gets a list of chores and panders for a way out of them* “Well… what do you want us to do about it” this statement is in a whiny voice. I respond “what are my options?” Officer 1 “Well we could go after him but then we would have to get statements from ALL parties involved or you could just sleep it off and not have him over again”. The reason the word “all” was illuminated in that previous sentence was because he elongated that word and put heavy emphasis on it as if it would take forever and involved paperwork for this crime and they weren’t to be about being burden by that.

At this point I stand a defeated man with red swelling on the side of my face and not sure who to harbor more despise for me, the perpetrator that punched or the unprofessional cops who stand before. I decide not to pursue it any further, the reason for this is because of the lack luster police who wanted nothing to do with this based on their mannerisms, body language, and the discourse. The job description of police officer is to serve and protect and these cops were fitting that mold except what they were serving me was bullshit and what they were protecting was the perpetrator. Since this event I have questioned my major of criminology, do I really want to be a part of an organization that showcases this kind of behavior. Then I thought to myself maybe I can serve as an agent of change and reform the system, and that’s exactly what I intend to do.

The "Bro" Pandemic

Yes you know them... you may congregate in the same places as them, you may work with them even, god forbid you may even live with one... yes I cringe just typing it, Im refering to a "Bro" its Genus Species is "Toolery Douchbaggist" mainly indiginous to North American but can be located anywhere globally. Now how might one spot a bro... A Bro known for rocking diamond earring probabley from their 12 year old sisters jewelery collection (Claires brand merchandise), incessantly wearing their hat backwards, and wearing cutoffs or high school football shirts reliving their glory days and or alternating daily between tap out and affliction shirts and not just every now and then on a regular basis. If given the opportunity they would pry show up to a job interview in this attire. I could imagine only imagine what their resume would look like and the reaction from employers after thumbing it over would probabley sound something like this "Im sorry but your ability to get pussy and throw a football 60 yards just isn't what were looking for here at McDonalds right now... have you tried Burger King yet?"

Number one indicator though is dialogue used on a regular basis, if when exchanging words with a male counterpart this individual articulates the word "bro" in just about every sentence and uses it to end every sentence serving as an impromptu period, you have just encountered a full fledged "bro" and should proceed with the utmost caution because more bros are likely to inhabit the area your in if not already present. No matter how much prior experience you have being in the proximity of a bro or a bro fest you will never truly be able to be desensitized to their obnoxious behavior and marginalized conversation topics. (e.g. whats up bro, lets drink bro, look at that piece of ass bro, you wanna spot me on this bench bro" Lets just say this if you were in a room with a bro, osama bin laden, and justin beiber and given a gun with two bullets you would shoot the bro...TWICE, thats just the extent of how annoying they are. After shooting the bro then Beiber would start singing "Theres gunna be one less lonely bro" with Bin Laden providing a harmony and then you immediately regret not shooting yourself in that
situation.

(Steps up to a podium, photogs flashing away) How do we stop this bro issue! (drops fist on podium with a loud crash) I'll tell you how! If your a male treasure your uniqueness and quit trying to conform to this strain of hegemonic masculinity. If your a female quit rewarding these "bros" by dating them and serving up sexual favors to them it only serves as a catalyst for other males to want to tap into these same outlets and conform to this same system because they look at the prospect of being rewarded equally and decide to invest in it. (Points to audience and cameras)Now its up to all of you to stop this pandemic! (Everyone stands up and claps feverishly)

Member of the media asks "what should we label a bro that is mentally challenged"

I respond "A slowbro" (everyone laughs and press conference is wrapped up) (I walk away with a sense of pride knowing I just informed people on putting a halt to the bro pandemic and ended my blog on a pokemon joke)

Shoddy Journalism

Recently it made top headlines that a friend of mine Paul Braley was booked on charges, of course this surged its way to the forefront of local media headlines,because his father is congressmen Bruce Braley. File this under the "This grinds my gears" category, do the people who report this honestly have any ethics. Why is this classified as top news, infact this shouldnt have made its way to newsworthy status at all. Talk about compromising journalistic integrity, making this a prominent news story tells your audience that you have the mentality of a 16 year old school girl with gossip you deem as absolutely relevant to elevate your social status, but most turn an uncaring cheek to your so called "prominent news". This article brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "slow news day".

Paul is Bruce's son obviously, my question is why must Paul be punished through the court of public opinion for purported wrongdoings because of who his father is, and why must Bruce be victimized by critics for what Paul allegedly did. They are in the same family yes, but they are two seperate entities. I never saw Bruce running on the platform of Paul Braley, I have never seen Paul on CSPAN giving speeches and yeilding his remaining time to the congressmen of (insert state here) and voting as a representative for the state of Iowa. Along with this I never seen Bruce doing Paul's school work and working at his job and living his life. The matter of the fact is there is more at work here behind the story, whether it be someone struggling for any news story they can dip their fingers into or political bias being executed.

Living in an age inwhich police logs are posted in an effort to bolster gossip by community consumers is far enough, let alone to illuminate Pauls charges after not even being brought infront of a jury of his peers to plead his case it makes you wonder about the age of journalism and consumerism that we are residing within. The court of public opinion has already served its role as judge, jury, and executioner and found him guilty as soon as this story was digested by the masses. This brand of amatuer journalism devoid of ethics must be exiled from our papers, magazines, and computers until the person is at least given a fair shake.

Im Steve Shumaker and I approve this rant!

Victor and Friends

Victor and Friends

The past two summers have been marked by monumental events that have taken place at one location "Victor's house". This event occurs every summer time his mother goes on an excursion throughout the U.S. on religious retreats, ironic in the sense that the events that occur at victor's house are anything but holy. Its more of a secular religion that is celebrated on the Coleflesh estate that occurs each summer christened by a beer pong table, loud music, and clothes coming off. When I mass text the congregation of members who showcase their "faith" over at this estate with the phrase "victor's house tonight" they know its going to be an amazing night
littered with new stories that will be told years from now all starting from the template "Remember that one time at victor's when...." Victor's humble abode is more than just a residence its an expierence unlike any other.

The Main patrons who attend (regulars)

Victor Coleflesh- Obviously he is the head master of these quarters. Usually you will see him galivanting around socializing with females on the phone and commenting on the posterier of them. Hes a modern day chief boyardee (or as most like to call him Chef BoyyyyYouAreBlack!" whipping up entrees for onlookers to "smash". Victor is known for his unintentional humor and addiction to gin. As Christina Aguilera would say "Its a gin in a bottle baby... you gotta drink it the right way". Victor can be easily aggitated when he wakes up to the debris that has manifested from the previous night, but this is not a detterent from keeping the party going the next night. Two of Victors most memorable moments involve attempting to shovel vomit in a pan down another patrons throat and assisting in dragging a homosexual that had fallen asleep in his house in the middle of the road.

Trent Prugh- Trent is a different breed and can only be truly described as a character. He is known for his overtly meterosexual brand of attire and just all around friendly disposition. Trent is widely excoriated by the group because of his courtship with a girl who suffers from retardation. Yes... retardation no way to sugar coat that and or turn the cheek to this. We have to listen to her incessant whining which generally consists of "Trent I'm tired, take me home" which he has finally developed immunities to after hearing her sound like a broken record time and time again. Most people have the 300 lb gorrilla in the room they try not to acknowledge in our inner circle its the retard that looks like Harry Potter that people avoid. Trent is known for two incidents having a "fiesta" as he dubbed it in Victors kitchen where he got extremely inebrieated decided to make himself at home and delve through his cupboards until he found tortilla chips. When he found these he proceded to throw them everywhere on the kitchen and yelling "Fiesta, Fiesta!" The next event was one in which Trent vomited all over victors couch making no attempt to vomit in the bathroom or outside. Trent always keeps things interesting and you can always count on him to make the night interesting to say the least.

Pat Kapler- Usually rocking a wife beater coupled with the temperant that can only be described by a song lyric by Outkast "Whats cooler than being cool... ICE COLD". Ice cold is the swagger that Kapler posesses can be seen by anyone within the proximity. He exudes confidence but not cockiness and is known to be a real menace for opponents on the beer pong table. Kapler has been slated for a reality show on Fox premiering this Feburary on Fox called "Pat on the back" in which people get subjugated by Pat whether it be in Scrabble, basketball, or life in general. The show is aptly titled "Pat on the back" because Pat is left to console his opponents after destroying them and leaving them in tears so he offers them a "Pat on the back".

Chris Baker- 3 hour workouts, ramen noodles, and sentence structure that leaves you scratching your head... this is what truly describes Chris Baker. Baker has the laughter of a child and the anime collection of one too, but yet poses some of lifes deepest questions such as "does anyone need a fork?" and "have you guys seen john and quiet bill" refering to Jay and Silent Bob. His domain has also been the headliner for many a party adorned with black lights (thanks to the great folks at Spencers)and a fog machine, one could easily describe his basement as an LSD den but no its just Baker's basement. Bakers place is also known for his loud music and even louder mother known for her signature line "Chris get up here!" its hard to carry a conversation your voice begins to give out and succomb to the pressure of making facial and hand gestures to denote the message your trying to get across. I could write about Baker for awhile but I dont want to befuddle my readers with non sense and have them conversing in gestures as well. Well as far as writing about Baker anymore all I have to say is "Thats It Im Out Of Here". Look for his biography coming to a retail store near you entitled "The Boat That Never Left The Dock" with special word from Marvin The Farmer aka the man that "pitchforks" Bakers mother.

Jessica Rupp- A newbie to the inner circle is known to contribute her small town ways of life to the groups subculture. Although unfamiliar previously within the group she is slowly and surely being indoctrinated into their ways of life. To show her allegiance one of the first nights at Victors house she made her face very familiar with the toilet rumor has it later they added each other on facebook which Jessica's boyfriend was none to happy about. She is known for her eccentric smile, happy dispostion, offering advice to those who suffer from mental disabilites, and giving rides to those who are in need (we all are in need). If you junxtapose her to Chris Baker they are pretty much exactly opposite physcially and mentally to paint a picture. After a few drinks her signature line is "I love you" followed by a cozy hug. Jessica is a great addition to the group and adds an element that is lacked by many members some will say that element is a car while others say a brain.

Ursula Felix- Ursula known for her ostentatious way of dressing and a story at her disposal for every situation we may encounter and situations that we dont encounter, every word that is said is a possible trigger setting off a new story. She always keeps things lively and keeps people on their toes especially that of Chris Baker calling him out on several occasions. With a strong addiction to apples to apples you would guess she is very nutritious. Her likes include dominant men (see Kapler for more information), dancing to michael jackson endorsed games, and pondering whether people like her or not. Dislikes include people with autism, guys "fronting", and needles.

Cheap liquor runs rampant throughout this oasis with antequated songs and a damaged beer pong table these aggregrate pieces cumulate together to form the backbone of what victor's house truly is. To extend the religious metaphor we take communion with the liquor and sing along to the hymns being emitted from whomevers Ipod may be plugged in. Confession time comes when we are truly inebrieated enough to voice how we really feel. This experience is one that not many have felt on the grounds of the almighty victors, but one that should be crossed off everyones bucket list.

Update: During the elongated time it took writing this holy journal Victor has been exiled from his house by the will of his "Christian" mother and is currently staying at Bakers. Not only due to his get togethers but because of a 32 year old homeless man named Ryan Yuska (aka Ryan "UsedYa" because he UsedYa for all that you had when everything is said and done) decided Victor's mother's room would be prime real estate to securely put his homosexual porn collection. So I would like to extend a big "FUCK YOU" to Ryan Yuska.