College Debt

How are college kids, especially those from much more destitute families supposed to live and or prosper? Each week for me I know has been like an episode of Survivor, but replace cameramen with professors rockin tweed attire, replace tiki torches with torturing textbooks, and replace the contestants with Asian that spend a little too much time in the library getting ready to take my place on the competitive job market. To make it in college I have donated plasma, sperm (god only knows how many illegitimate children I have writing blogs out there), my kidneys (to which I replaced with two cans of kidney beans) and my Heart, hey if the Tin Man and Dick Cheney can live without one why can’t I? Not having a heart comes in handy around Christmas time when those pesky Salvation Army volunteers are ringing their bells wanting to get their greedy palms on your money, and I stroll past them without contributing a dime and they say things like “Don’t you have a heart” I just respond “I wish I could say I did” and just chuckle. I can’t even use the expression “I’d give my left nut for that” because I sold that on a Craigslist to a squirrely lookin fellow. Thank God my mother saved that “Don’t sell your body” talk for my sister.

The parsimonious lengths I go to just to reside in squalor, every once in a while I will take the intrepid step of begrudgingly viewing my student loans and looking to see what limbs and organs I have left to spare. Will my legs be next on the chopping block? I mean Professor Xavier ran a whole mutant academy without the usage of his, FDR ran the nation without the use of his, I mean I could pretty much run anything… except races. I could always just sell one leg and pursue my lifelong dream to sail the high seas (Google search the expression “ARGHHH” for more information. I’m sure I would plunder more booty that way, well more than I have in college anyways. I am left with these ethical decisions when it comes to footing the bill, my life is comparable to the antithesis version of hangman, where instead of adding parts of the body, parts of the body get erased.

My college experience is a lot like hunger games 2.0 except with a far less attractive cast, hoarding balloons of food between my butt cheeks like a prison drug mule. Well maybe not that far… To remind myself to stop spending money I have crossed out the “i” on my debit card with sharpie. The amount of money I am spending is so miniscule that before everyone left on campus for Winter break they were wishing me a “Happy Hanukkah”, these are the challenges I must endure while in college. I would go out on a limb but I’m afraid I don’t have many left, but if I did… I would say college is going to cost me more than an arm and a leg… literally.