Marketing Oneself

In an age in which career openings are fought over tooth in nail in which only the most skilled procure the job and the rest are left to ask “would you like fries with that?” (Gosh I would love to hear Sean Connery say that just once) or live under a bridge scaring unsuspecting individuals as they amble across.

We are left to look in the mirror and figure out what are strengths are and how to properly convey this to future suitors of the service you are looking to offer. Unless of course your Kristy Alley then you may need to look in about 3 mirrors to fully view yourself or just locate the nearest fun house of mirrors, and for those of you who are vampires and cast no reflection at all, kindly make your way off my blog. As far as marketing yourself is concerned we will delve more deeply into the following main themes… Appearance, Charisma, Vocabulary, Strengths/Weakness Assessment, and Credentials.

A. Appearance

You when you waltz into that boardroom you must have that ostentatious appeal, the look you should be exhibiting is the Matt Bomer White Collar esque look. A good look to avoid would be the Ernest Goes To (Insert location here) look. Also any unneeded accessories can and should be left at home (E.g. Neon green fanny packs, hoop earrings, fishnets, nipple clamps, etc) You don’t want to look like a Christmas tree covered with all these ornaments hanging off you.





Lets look at Matt Bomer juxtaposed to Ernest and further evaluate here why Ernest goes to "Unemployment Line"

1) The Airplane resting on the brim of his hat says to your employer "party in the front... business never"

2) Its always a good rule of thumb to never bring a pencil bigger than Vern Troyer (mini me) to a job interview. Also the old adage "Why do pencils have erasers, because they make mistakes" applying of course to human error. Inquiring minds will want to know why such a big eraser... do you make big mistakes?

3) Ernest has that look on his face that says "Is it you that smells that bad or is it me, I knew I pry should have avoided using lady speed stick this morning"

B. Vocabulary

When rubbing shoulders with these corporate bigwigs you must be able to hold your own and have a robust vocabulary at your disposal. It doesn’t matter if you are aware of the definition of these words. No need to look up the subsequent words but here are some you words/ phrases that you can use in the presence of the elites interviewing you…. Racial disenfranchisement, Necrophilia, and Shamwow.

Knowing workplace environments they like to be assured that they are hiring and individual that holds no prejudices and can establish effective lines of communication with other ethnic groups so its imperative you incorporate ebonics into your interview. Repeat after me “Shawty done be lookin like a dime piece straight off the meat rack” and “ Nah Playboy, I finna do good work up in hurr”. In no time flat you will be sounding like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tad9EKJjCI&feature=related.

Future employers will be left saying “Shamwow we should have hired this individual earlier”

C. Strengths/ Weaknesses

The dreaded strengths weaknesses question so many heavily agonize over. This may not be such a good opportunity to boast about your ability to make a makeshift bong in impromptu situations using the likes of a paperclip, rubber band, and a Clay Akin CD. This should be dedicated to strong suits that fit the work place atmosphere, this would be where you bring up your acumen of fixing water coolers and your uncanny ability to turn ordinary individuals into beloved film critic Gene Shalit from the Today Show through the use of Microsoft paint.



Can you tell who the real Gene Shalit is? I know I cant


When asked what your weaknesses are simply reply by adamantly yelling “Kryptonite“, while simultaneously shaking a wild fist in the air.

D. Credentials

Finally the credentials portion of the interview where you “Woo” the heavy hitters with your life experiences that put you in the drivers seat for the occupation. Its crucial you have a photo album of doctored photos of you at golf outings or art galas with celebs across the Hollywood spectrum. During the interview constantly reference your lavished yachts just off the Yucatan Peninsula and how they are stockpiled with only the finest aged wine and unnecessary portraits of Tupac Sakur canvassing every area of the Yachts. Mention how you would love to take your future employers on a cruise, just as soon as you get your mansion in Italy renovated in an effort to install a life size fountain of Monica Lewinsky made of marble, spewing what you would hope is water from her mouth into the pool.

If these simple tips don’t land you the job of your dreams, you may consider another avenue… Possibly as a bull rider or possibly the prestigious title of fashion coordinator on the set of “Larry King Live” that is troubled with the arduous task of which suspenders Larry King should wear each night. Which ever career path I wish you luck in your future endeavors.