Mike James Orenthal Wood the III of Wellington Estates

This past year at school I was privileged to reside right next to a young man by the name of Mike Wood. Now why would I be posting about this random individual some may ask… Is he a genius, Is he a party animal that has a magic touch with the ladies, Did he facilitate me throughout my college endeavors… A strong “NO” to all of the above in fact more or less the antithesis of all of the above. He did however provide an outlet for perpetual unintentional humor. Before I delve any further I would first like to provide a description of him for those who may come in contact with him be forewarned there will be dangerous amounts of hilarity to which the human body should not be exposed to, side effects include knee slapping, rib tickling, and incessant open mouthed laughing, should only be exposed to subject in small doses.

As described by his friend and fellow student Mario Jorge “Wood… he’s just a dirty kid”. Although not much imagery in his description he hit the nail right into the “wood” on this one. Mike Wood with his choppy facial hair, rat like nose, and blank deer in the head lights stare often wildly gesticulates through the air with his hands rapidly moving this way and that way to indicate his enthusiasm. His attire often consisted of cut offs or the same mundane green shirt that dawned the word “college” on it that I wouldn’t doubt a homeless child donated to the Goodwill refusing to wear it anymore because they would rather go without clothes than sport a shirt of this nature. Many times you could actually visible see stink lines being emitted from Mike Wood as he roamed the campus and or dorms. (See pigpen on right for further imagery) In the song “Cowboy” by Kid Rock he claims he can smell a pig from a mile away, Mike Wood may very well be that pig. Mike Wood never really intends to be a centerpiece of hilarity, but always ends up being one. I will give various examples….

When Mike Wood gets rejected by a girl from school his response “She’s on that small town stuff” justifying why she is not ready for Wood even though the girl may very well be from a bigger city than Mike Wood is.

When describing the delicious taste of Malibu Rum his response “You haven’t tried that shit, until you’ve tried that shit”

When Mike told me he was studying instead of going to a party and I called him out by saying “Are you not trying to go after ladies tonight Mike” his response “Let’s not think the unthinkable”

Two horrible opening lines he has with girls “So about this weather lately….” And “Can you guess my age?” (My question was, if they ever did actually guessed his age correctly would they get a stuffed animal) Honestly I think he would have better luck with ladies in telling them he has a fascination with serial killers than using either of these two gems.

A couple theories on women from Wood “If you have sex with them once you have nothing to complain about”, “they are weak minded” “As much as I know about women… which is a lot, I don’t think I will ever know everything”

When I told him that the age of consent for sex in Iowa is 16 instead of what Mike Wood thought was 18, his reponse “Omg dude that is the best thing I have ever heard, that opens up soooo many more opportunities for me” Later that week he made the 2 and a half hour drive home to visit the local high school. (no joke)

When I saw him looking depressed in the parking lot I asked him what was wrong, his response “I didn’t get pussy this weekend *long pause* AGAIN!” (shouted)

These are just some small examples; you can’t truly understand Mike Wood until you actually have encountered him. Although I painted him out in a negative light he is an affable funny individual who I love spending time around because I am guaranteed hilarity. In fact our whole dorm floor became infatuated with what Mike Wood would do or say next and my girlfriend actually was quoted as saying one night “If I wasn’t with Steve I would be with Mike Wood”. The proof is in the pudding hopefully over this summer Mike Wood doesn’t change a bit… Knock on “Wood”.