Teach me how to Blog, Teach me How to Blog… Now everybody Bloggin, Now everybody Bloggin! Ya Aint Messin With My Blog!

According to my Facebook news feed (where I get all my news) there has been an influx of blog writers. The likes of DJ Grant and Ty Schmitt to name a few of these blog bandwagon participants. DJ is like a young Dr. House without any medical credentials, so pretty much just a sarcastic pretentious asshole, but a comical one at that. I have not been formally introduced to Ty, but if he’s anything like his grandparents cookies (his grandparents are our neighbors and always make time to bake our family a little something) he is probabley amazing, delicious, and covered in frosting (no homo). I feel like I am at constant competition with the likes of these two adversaries and many others that feel the need to write about topics that they feel passionate about. I mean these individuals do not deserve the same human rights as are afforded to me in the constitution.

I look at myself as the innovator the pioneer of the blog almost like Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg or who ever invented the hand job or oral sex to give virgin Christian girls the opportunity to stay in committed relationships with their sexually oppressed horny boyfriends without comprising their belief system. I feel like Jesus in some aspects when it comes to bloggin, I have many followers, many read my blog like a bible, and although I cant walk on water, I do however walk all over blogs inferior to mine (which every blog is inferior to mine).

A blog is like a child it needs to be nutured, developed, breast feed, and followed by strange older often paranoid people who would often rather decorate their dungeon and dragon's cloak than go outside and bask in sunlight. (These people often obtain a level 92 boner by watching internet porn) Okay maybe not the last two… When I see all these blogs poppin up after I layed the groundwork, I feel like the old cynical man who spends a little to much time nurturing his lawn and kids are always constantly trouncing on it and he grabs his shotgun and cocks it back at them in an effort to persuade them to kindly step the fuck off and will use the most outlandishly corny terms to avoid from cursing. (Dag nambit, horse feathers, cheese and rice, oh fuzzles, Drew Carey) God forbid they swear but yet they feel no remorse when it comes to pointing a loaded weapon in someone’s general proximity

But in all seriousness I love writing this blog and writing things I feel passionate about or at least what others will find entertaining (and not having it being minimized to 140 or 240 character, ya im looking at you Twitter and Facebook statuses) I think its really quite dandy there is an influx of people who have decided to take up this hobby as well. I would like to extend a warm greeting to writers of a blog and those who read their blog. Welcome to the Gates of No Lifeville… population growing

Ladies and Gents

As I have grown older the differences between the two genders have become more transparent although not universal they seem to be prevalent enough to see them in the wide majority of sexes as habitual acts or ways that they view the world. Now as we take this journey you may not agree with me, but take time to reflect and see if you can recall any of these instances occurring.

4 Letter word

Guys and girls both use different 4 letter words generally to describe and verify if something has worth or not both start with the letter “C”. Girls will often reinforce something’s worth with the word “cute” whereas guys will often invoke the word “cool” to detail the brilliance or importance of said item, event, etc. Also guys and girls have a certain 4 letter “C” word to denote girls who are seen as having no worth, but I am forbidden to write or verbalize this word in any way.

Uniqueness

Girls absolutely treasure their uniqueness, don’t believe me? Try and compare a girl looks wise to another girl (even if the other girl is seen as very attractive) or ask her what color her eyes are. Often when you compare a girl to the likes of another looks wise she will often scoff at you and say “no I don’t” in an offended tone. If you ask a girl what her eye color is she often won’t say blue, green, or brown… she will often further elaborate on her eye color as almond, hazel, deep (insert eye color here) or further describe what their eyes look like in the sun or bright lights or detail what specks they have in them. This shows that girls really want to showcase themselves as unique. Juxtapose this to a guy where if you were to compare him to a attractive celeb he would often be ego stricken by this or have the mindset that the girl must be into him due to the fact she took the time to compare him to another guy. (Again this is not universal by any means, and I have seen guys offended by comparisons before) Almost 100% of the time if you were to ask a guy his eye color you would receive a mundane green, blue, or brown color answer and that would be that.

Universal Statements

These are usually made after harsh breakups or acrimonious occurrences with the opposite sex that leaves the person emotionally reeling and devastated or just tiny small encounters that accumulate these will manifest and reach a boiling point. You can go to your nearest facebook newsfeed to generate such statements.
Often from girls you will hear or read “All boys/guys are dumb” questioning their intelligence. Guys will often use the “All girls are whores/sluts” calling out their sexual deviance.

Obviously neither parties mean these statements or else they would become homosexual or asexual (which has rarely or ever been documented, you don’t switch teams just because you are on a losing streak) these are articulated or disseminated in the passion of the moment and this mindset often takes a backseat to when this person believes they are struck by cupids arrow once again.

Insults to individuals of the same sex

If girls insult other girls it is on the grounds of their sexual promiscuousness and or their physical features and their lack of beauty. Often being called sluts, whores, or making degrading remarks about physical features or their clothing or features lacking the aforementioned “cuteness” this for the most part will take place when the individual is not around to avoid confrontation, yet when they see said “target” for their attacks they will be very complimentary and masquerade around as though they are friends. Girls reside in a culture of beauty and sexual conservatism and if you do not uphold this standard the individuals that populate this community with them will often dig their verbal talons into them and rip them to shreds.

Guys on the other hand will insult each other taking stabs at ones masculinity or lack thereof and the questioning of one’s sexual preference. Guys inhabit a community perpetuated by respect and you garner this respect by exerting your male bravado, relinquishing this and exhibiting any form of weakness is subject to strong verbal attacks or actual physical attacks. (As seen in your local dive bar)

Eyes Vs. Smile

Girls feel very deeply about eyes on a guy in particular blue eyes. If I had a dollar for every social gathering I have attended and a girl described her overwhelming appreciation for blue eyes or a guy who had blue eyes I would be able to buy a Bugatti. Guys on the other hand for the most part do not feel the same about eyes and especially not blue eyes (this is probabley because the majority of girls have blue eyes, speaking strictly in respect to white American girls), guys are more apt to look at a girls smile as a source for physical attraction (amongst other things).

Friend Interactions

How often are girls complimentary of their friends whereas guys are reluctant to give compliments to friends and shy away from doing such. Also have you ever noticed interactions in which a girl is into a guy at a club or a bar but her friends want her to leave for whatever reason, she immediately follows their direction. If a guy is with a group of friends and he is interested in a girl and asked to go somewhere or follow a group of friends he’s going to pay about as much attention to them as Bruce Vilanch pays to his weight.

Now why did I take time to lay my thoughts down….
Because I have no life